Go to a so-called art gallery nowadays and the main exhibit will probably be a fag end and some flies in a bucket or a decaying child’s corpse on a tricycle with a dildo on an electric motor going in and out of its mouth or something. Once again, the Liberal Mafia are ruining the once great British art scene. Where once we had real artists – Constable; Gainsborough; Stubbs – people who painted things so they looked like what they actually looked like, and in the old days too, when it was harder – we now have all this modern bollocks most of which a six-year-old could do and which they call art but which is not art.


Some Types Of “Art” That Are Not Art But Which Are, In Fact, Bollocks:

1: Abstract “art”.

This is bollocks because it doesn’t look like anything. It’s just shapes and colours and stuff, and it’s not usually even nice ones. I saw a painting once that was just all dark red. And it wasn’t even painted well. Some of it was darker, and other bits were sort of lighter, like there was an orange undercoat that was showing through. I did a better job when I creosoted my garden fence. Bollocks.

2: Conceptual “art”.

This is bollocks because it doesn’t take any skill. Anyone can have a stupid idea to put a sheep in a fish tank or write a load of names in a tent or make a model of their head out of their own blood. That’s not what I pay to see when I go to an art gallery. If I went to see a juggler, I’d expect him to be able to actually juggle; not just sit there and have an idea to do some juggling. If I pay someone to come and fix my boiler, I don’t want him to just come round and sit there having ideas about it. I expect value for money, and this is obviously a con perpetrated by lazy art students brought up on the Nanny State by “modern” parents who don’t think you have to learn how to draw to get an art degree. Conceptual art my arse. I could do what Damien Hirst does. Here, put a badger on a stick. There you go. Bollocks.

3: Controversial/Feminist/Gay “art”.

This is bollocks because we don’t want this sort of sick disgusting filth Shoved Down Our Throats. Photographs of men looking sexy in ways that we all know are only appropriate for women; ugly people all naked and disgusting; mannequins of children with sex toys for limbs (just openly inviting paedophiles to come and get their depraved kicks by looking at them); a model of Jesus Christ in some human urine. Frankly, the people who make this vile effluent should be sterilised and locked away in the psycho wing. This is exactly the kind of satanic influence that is weakening our National spirit and turning our youth into the drug-addled violence-addicted metrosexual bone idle porn zombies they all are nowadays. Bollocks.

4 : Ethnic “art”.

This is bollocks because basically most races are primitive next to us, and generally they can’t draw properly. Thus, ethnic art will usually be a rubbish picture of some people and/or some animals, done in whatever colours you can make out of dung and sand or whatever they have in Bongo-Bongo Land, with all the proportions a bit wrong and no proper shading and wavy lines for water or a circle with lines coming out of it for the sun. Like all other the other types of bollocks “art” apart from type 3, this could be done by a six-year-old, except that sometimes it involves weaving or pottery, which is at least something. I bet Damien Hirst didn’t have to weave his fucking diamond skull. Bollocks.

5: Pop “art”.

This is bollocks because it’s just cartoons and stuff really. It is at least better to look at than the others, but it’s still not proper art, because it’s all stuff that’s for kids and from shops and that, rather than being landscapes or horses or flowers or naked ladies like art is supposed to be. I saw one that was just a big word like out of a comic: “zoom” or “pow” or “biff” or something. Bollocks.

6: Cubist “art”.

I don’t know what cubism is but I asked my mate Darren what style of art Picasso did, and he said it was called cubism, which doesn’t really have anything to do with cubes but is clearly just another excuse for not being able to paint properly. Picasso was one of the biggest con-men in the history of modern “art”; even a six-year-old child would know not to put both eyes on the same side of someone’s head. And then the colours are all wrong: people have green and purple faces; that is they do when the whole picture isn’t just blue or pink or something, like he did it in black and white and spilled paint over it afterwards. And the colouring in is so shit that there are big gaps sometimes, and he used big clumsy brush strokes like the retard he obviously was. And some of the pictures are so messy they don’t look like anything at all. Later in his life, he got so lazy and complacent that he started actually cutting pictures out of magazines and sticking them on to the canvas. And still the liberal elite were too blinkered to realise they were being conned. In a way, I take my hat off to him. But his paintings are bollocks.

7: Street “art”

This is bollocks because it’s just vandalism; pure and simple. It all seems very cool having a Banksy appear on your wall, but what if you don’t happen to want some lefty scrounger spreading his propaganda all over your private property? What people forget is that painting things on private property is illegal, and often lowers the market value in the local area. And he did a picture of two policemen kissing, which is technically treason.


I don’t mind surrealism, though. Salvador Dali was a true genius. And he was one of the best painters ever. Some of his paintings look almost like photographs, except you can’t get the things he painted in real life. That’s imagination. It’s a clock, but it’s like it’s melting. Or those ones he did where there’s a thing and it looks like another thing. Clever.


But obviously The Haywain is the best British work of art. It’s a lovely evocation of how everything was perfect in England in the Olden Days, and reminds us how shit everything is now and how much work there is to do to get our society back to the early 19th Century where it belongs.


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